You Say Banahhna and I say Banana

A month or two ago, a facebook friend posted that a European friend was visiting the US and needed a place to stay as a home-base while she toured. She asked if any of her fb friends would be willing to put her up.

Within seconds of reading the post, and without consulting my better half, I answered, "Any friend of yours is a friend of mine." Our mutual friend is a good person, and she wouldn't let a bad person into my life. Plus, I was young once, and used to travel alone, and I would have loved to have been able to stay somewhere with local people who were aware of my comings and goings and could serve as a safety net for me.

The next thing I knew, I was in contact with our young traveller and anticipating her arrival. The world really isn't that big a place as long as you have friends in it and opening your home and heart to a complete stranger is one way to make the world a better place. So we embraced the idea wholeheartedly, as no half-assed effort would do the gesture justice.

Davinder stole my heart before she ever stepped foot in my house. Immediately I knew she was lovely through and through, and John and I can't do enough for her because we really want to. She's stolen our hearts.

Sometimes, you just have to go a little out of your safety zone to take a chance on humanity, and the rewards, are yours.

FOLLOW-UP to Jury Duty

Whew, after all is said and done, I dodged the jury duty bullet for two years. I was instructed not to go in.

And Now for Something Completely Different

Jury Duty.

First response: ugh. Second response: I feel guilty for my first response.

It is my civic duty after all, and if I were to find myself facing a jury of my peers, then I'd want someone like me on the jury. I try to be fair, I try to be honest. I try to be unbiased. That's the best I can say. I am not a perfect person and I am guilty of human emotion.

I can't complain really. I've only been called upon once or twice before, and both times I appeared but was dismissed because the jury was picked before they got to me.

Both times I actually wanted to be picked. I wanted to serve on the jury for the experience of seeing how our justice system works. I wanted to ensure that a defendant had a fair trial because I would make sure it was fair. I was so ideal then.

Now I don't want to be picked. Now I don't even want to have to appear at all and I'm hoping that when I call the number the night before I will learn that I have already been dismissed.
And it bothers me that I have a bad attitude about it.

I did a google search where all I typed in was "jury duty" and the very first thing to pop up in the search was, "How to get out of Jury Duty" a wikihow article. So that suggests  to me that getting out of jury duty is what most people want to know about it.

So here's a chilling thought: If everyone expects a fair trial, but no one wants to serve on a jury how does anyone get a fair trial?

What is the root of this problem? You can't fix a problem if you don't understand the problem. So where does the problem lie? Why is jury duty so undesirable?

In an effort to figure it out, I put the question out there to my facebook and twitter friends for two consecutive days:
"Why don't we want to do jury duty?"

Total apathy. I only got two responses on twitter. One friend said that she actually liked jury duty and looks forward to doing it. The other responder replied that the state of NJ only pays $5.00 for serving. That would barely cover the cost of coffee bought en route to the courthouse. Clearly, if you are self-employed it makes jury duty very undesirable indeed.

Based on the State's webpage regarding jury duty; while the employer is obligated to allow the juror to attend without consequence of being fired, it is not obligated to pay the employee. Double Wow. And those employers that do pay, may expect the employee to turn over the money earned for jury duty. All $5.00 of it.
OK, so mystery solved. It is abundantly clear why most of us try to wiggle out of jury duty.

Now here's a scratch your head question:
If the summons isn't delivered via certified mail, why don't jurors just shred it and put it in the trash? No one can prove it was properly delivered. In fact, even after I moved and voted from my new location, my summons was still mailed to my old residence in a different municipality. It is highly possible that I would not have received it. How can a bench warrant be issued for a person who may not have received a summons in the first place? That's presuming an innocent person who can never prove their innocence, is guilty. That's messed up even for New Jersey!

I found a youtube video put out by the State, describing the importance and honor of sitting on a NJ jury:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFBfYX3wcTI
It's well done by a judge and a high power attorney who undoubtedly make $6 figures a year and make it all sound so dignified.

It should be an honor but I think the fundamental problem is that jurors aren't treated with respect. And it isn't only about the $5.00 day salary or the pressure put on us by employers to get out of it or postpone the date. (I should mention it goes up to $35.00 day after serving four days.)

What the video doesn't mention is that sometimes the county courthouse is in the sleaziest section of the sleaziest towns, and that parking can be blocks away if provided at all. There should be a shuttle system in place to pick jurors up and take them home. (Except that we all know if the State provided such a service it would be so lame nobody would ever arrive to court in time.)

The video addresses the responsibility of being a juror and an impartial participant, but it doesn't mention jury nullification, which allows a jury to find the defendant guilty, but of an unjust law. It's one of the most powerful rights a jury has. Think Rosa Parks for example. We aren't told of this aspect of jury duty, because it poses such a headache for the system that if the judge or attorneys know you know about it prior to being chosen as a juror, you will most likely be excused. It's so hush hush they won't ask if you know about it. You have to ask them to explain it to you as a function of the jury and then it is almost guaranteed you will be let go without the explanation. A jury can only utilize nullification if one of the jurors knows about it and kept mum while being selected in order to preserve his/her right to use it if it is felt necessary. In the words of Voltaire, "It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong."

A fair and impartial juror can be dismissed for prejudices of the court. Is the defendant grossly overweight and a juror a health nut? Without explanation a skinny juror can be dismissed because the attorneys might assume he or she'd be prejudiced against a fat person. Many assumptions and stereotypes are made based upon a juror's profile. Ironic, huh?

I think it all comes down to this: we owe each other this courtesy, despite the hardship, unpleasantness and indignity, because it's the right thing to do.

I'm not saying this out of an idealized liberalness. I'm as bitter as the next guy. I've worked alongside corrupt individuals. I've done my job by the book while others didn't because I believed that hard work and loyalty is recognized and appreciated. But it isn't. I was the employee who was laid off due to political reasons and administrators who were gutless and corrupt enough to do the easiest thing instead of the right thing and don't even get me started on the union who forces you to pay whether you belong or not but won't lift a finger to help if you aren't tenured. But that's a different article. Trust me, I'm as disgusted and bitter as the next guy and just as suspicious of the corruptibility and fallibility of even the judge that sits before the jury.

And I guess now my logic has come full circle but from a different place. Selfishness.

It's the right thing to do not because of some idealized notion, but because of the realization of how corrupt the world really is and what a difference a sincere juror could make. It's not just for the sake of the innocent men and women who sit in jails or are executed because they had jurors whose motivation was to get out of there asap. (Think Twelve Angry Men without Henry Fonda's character.)

It's just as much for my sake as for the protection of a possibly innocent defendant: to make reasonably sure that the real perps stay off the streets.

Best Wedding Advice I Ever Received

Here's something I wrote a while back for Associated Content. In light of the fact that I am now officiating weddings, it seems very fitting to include this article in my blog:


The Best Wedding Advice I Ever Received


Second only to the birth of our children, our wedding day is considered by most of us to be the most important day of our lives. And yet, how often do brides and grooms too for that matter, confess that their wedding

 

  day was a blur that they barely remember? Or worse yet, that their wedding day was a day to forget and filled with one blundering disaster after another?

We've all heard enough wedding horror stories to suspect that it may be the norm. But how on earth can you rise above the wedding madness to ensure that your wedding day is a day that you can actually enjoy and remember with a happy heart?

Here's the secret that brought me to my senses. It was good advice 25 years ago and it's sound advice today. Do yourself a favor and repeat it daily to yourself for days, even weeks before your wedding day. Heck, memorize it if you can.

Remember that at the end of the day, it isn't about how fabulous your hair was or how shapely you looked in your gown. It isn't about how lovely the flowers were, (or if they even arrived at all). It isn't how the adorable little flower girl stole a little bit of your glory (as kids at weddings often do) or that your mother-in-law wore black. What it is about is how you are now bonded, hopefully for life, with your most favorite human being on the planet. That is the focus, and all that other stuff is fluff. It seems so obvious a truth, and yet it's an almost completely overlooked aspect of the day.

If you focus on all those other aspects, then you will not enjoy your wedding day, guaranteed, because something will inevitably go wrong. More importantly, if those other aspects are your focus, it may be a red flag that you are getting married for all the wrong reasons. And if that's the case, it isn't just your wedding day that's in trouble.


It's fine, even advisable, to have an organized plan in place to ensure that your guests have a good time. But as things go wrong in the course of the day, and they probably will, just remember what the focus of the

 

  truly day is. It will help keep the trivial aspects in their proper perspective so that you are free to experience the real beauty and magic of the day.

Good luck!

On Being an Officiant

I wrote this article for Weddzilla wedding blog a while back, and want to share it here. It's not a profession for everyone, and I'd say that it requires better than average writing and speaking skills. But it's sure for me and I'm loving it! Here's the article:

On Being a Wedding Officiant

Once I officiated my first wedding, I was hooked! After the ceremony, I was so elated it almost felt like I was the one who had gotten married!

It’s with this enthusiasm that I’ve embraced my new calling as a wedding minister, and it is a calling, much like being an artist is a calling, because each wedding or civil union ceremony is like a mini masterpiece, artistry inspired within the soul, unique to its couple. 

I would not recommend performing your first ceremony unless you have a very high degree of confidence in your ability. There’s little room for error in gaining their trust of you. Your couple should not be able to recognize that it’s your first wedding. In every aspect, you need to be the expert and able to answer questions and offer them information they don’t even know to ask.

I never would have been able to perform my first wedding without a network of mentors in place, who graciously shared practical information; like the importance of filling and filing the paperwork properly; what to wear; and other technical and practical aspects. Be the student who soaks up information like a sponge. Ask the questions your mentors don’t think to mention.

Your own research is critical. Know your competition better than they know themselves. Spend hours if not days devoted to this alone. Read everything you can find on weddings. Know every wedding trend and figure out how to put your own twist on it. Learning about your new profession is your full-time profession until you are ready to go live, and in my opinion, it’s not something you can do justice to unless it’s something you can do full time. I can’t imagine doing the quality of work I do if it were a part-time pastime.

Don’t neglect how you will put yourself out there. You need a web-page that needs traffic. Figure out where to spend your advertising money. Become an expert in social networking. Eventually, if you build up a solid reputation, word of mouth will be your greatest marketing tool.

Be clear on what it is you want to offer. Do you want to minister in prisons? Do you want to jump out of airplanes and scuba dive while officiating your ceremonies? There’s a niche for everyone and you need to find yours.

At any given time you are juggling multiple couples, all different and most expecting a tailor-made ceremony. Each one of them will undoubtedly make changes. Keep your documents updated and identify each by couple so you don’t accidentally mix them up. Impeccable organization is a must! Listen to your couples and ask questions. Even if they want a quick no fuss no muss ceremony, there is always a way to make it theirs alone. It’s their special day, not yours, and it isn’t a success unless they are happy.

If you bear that goal in mind, you will also be a success!

I Did It!

Well Ladies and Gents,

I did it! I made my New Year's Resolution come true! I married my very first couple last week in a local, private ceremony. What a wonderful experience! The bride was crying and as I was officiating, I kept thinking, "Oh my God, I'm marrying this couple and it's for real. It's the biggest day in their lives after the birth of children and they're letting me do it!"

I was a bit apprehensive at first, in case they asked me how many prior weddings I'd performed, which was zero. And I made the moral promise to tell them if they asked me. But they never asked me and that was very reassuring because it suggests that I handled the preliminary steps like I knew what I was doing.

My confidence level was high since I knew I wrote a lovely ceremony and because I have been mentored by a pro. I joined a group of wedding officiants and one of the members took me under her wing so to speak and explained the process and procedures. I picked her brain relentlessly because I wanted to leave nothing to chance.

After the wedding, I immediately went to the county clerk to file the wedding license asap and to make sure the paperwork was properly done, which it was thank God.

Driving home I was on a high feeling so great, I just can't describe it. It was like I had just gotten married myself. I was silly and giggling to myself while driving home. I'm totally hooked!

Just minutes after arriving back home came a phone call for another wedding this coming week, which is now confirmed and on its way to happening. I can't wait.

After all I've been through these past several years and most recently in education, I just never knew how much pleasure a calling could be.

And the best part is that I created it for myself. No one hired me. I work for myself and I do it at my own pleasure. And grasp this, not only is the work satisfying, but it is actually appreciated! How great is that? Wow, what a concept!

American Spirituality

The Saturday (January 8, 2011), New York Times ran an article that compels me to write. Titled, Religion and Representation, it was written by Charles M. Blow.

In it, he points out that a full 16.1% of the American population is non-religious. They are not necessarily non-spiritual, or without some religious connections, but they are not affiliated with any established church organization and consequently, are unrepresented by Congress.

It resonates with me because 16.1% of the nearly 312,000,000 of the US population is a lot of people to have no representation, (about 4,9920,000 people) and I am one of them.

For a politician, being without a brick and mortar established church/synagogue/place of worship is like a political kiss of death. And even so, if it isn't the 'right' religion, they'll always have some explaining to do. Politicians don't necessarily believe in their affiliations, but they are smart enough to know they'd better have one and it better be the most politically correct one. Consequently, the 16.1% of us without a brick and mortar church are a huge minority whose lives are imposed upon by people with religious/political agendas. That's nothing new, and has been going on since forever.

In example, by modifying history, men in powerful positions took the opportunity to remove the blame of Christ's death from the Romans, who clearly killed Christ, to start a hatred of Jews trend which persists to present day. Once they gained power by 'owning' Christianity, they manipulated the masses to follow by associating the details of Christ's birth with pagan ideas and celebrations which were just too popular to shake. Hence, the virgin birth and coinciding the birth during the huge winter festivals of the pagans. Isn't it known that Christ was born in April? Even King Henry VIII killed two wives for bogus reasons to avoid falling from grace with the new branch of Protestantism that he himself invented to justify getting rid of his first wife when he couldn't because of religion. I mean, come on people, hasn't anyone noticed that Jesus ran around with a woman named Mary Magdalene, with whom he was probably intimate? She was his most intimate apostle. But somehow, through history, her power (as a woman) had to be denied by the church, and she suddenly became a whore? I don't really think that Christ would appreciate how people celebrate and observe his life, and I think he'd be appalled by the get ups worn by the Pope.

My gut instinct, even as a kid, told me that Judas was an historical patsy. I never believed he betrayed Christ. It came from a gut belief, maybe you can call it faith.

I was raised in a strict Roman Catholic upbringing including Catholic school for three years. By the first or second grade, I remember thinking, how does anybody believe this stuff? But the defining moment when I knew I fell from grace so to speak, was when I was taught that if I didn't follow Jesus I would burn in hell. What if I was born on a desert island and never heard of him? How could I burn in hell for that? It just didn't make sense. Ok, maybe it was due to the whacko nuns at that particular parochial school, but I don't think my Catholic school experience is atypical. And honestly, there are some really strange extremist protestants and muslims out there as well. And don't even get me started about pedaphile clergy members of all faiths.

People will argue that their belief in religious dogma is based on their faith.  Which is fine, but my own faith based on my own perception is no less valid. Nor is the faith of the 16.1% of Americans who have become disenfranchised from mainstream religions less valid.

Why do so many of us tolerate religious discussion in Congress, (Representative Steve King of Iowa who justifies his views on healthcare based on what God would want) or allow our tax dollars to be spent arguing evolution vs creationsism in public schools? Isn't that what religious schools and homeschooling are for?

We lack representation because those of us who tend to live and let live, are so liberal that we allow other people to deny us our own decision making as well as our own credibility and being heard. (When my former husband and I decided to get married, we wanted to be married at the beach. But the Catholic Church, where I agreed to be married to appease my parents, would not recognize our marriage if we were married outdoors, even if we were married by a priest. So we had to compromise our wishes and settled on being photographed on the beach as newlyweds instead.) Why is that ok?

For that and many other reasons, I no longer follow the faith of my upbringing and until recently, I've kept my own personal religious beliefs private. I have been guilty of worshipping in my own closet and not being vocal about it. And this is exactly why I and the 16.1% of other spiritual yet non-religious Americans have given away our power and rights as citizens and have no representation in our own country.

I cringe everytime one of my facebook friends post things like, "Repost this if you think Jesus is our lord and savior." I never respond either way. It's what they believe, and that's fine. But some of them are the same friends who chuckle or worry when they learn that I am pursuing a path as an ordained wedding celebrant, because they cannot accept that the only dogma of my faith is to believe and worship the way I want to, so long as it harms no one.

Why am I the strange one?

Here is my one little voice for whoever happens upon it. I hope the other 16.1% speak up too, and soon.

The Best is Yet to Come

When my ex-husband told our kids he was getting remarried, it prompted my practical jokester son to suggest to my ex that I officiate his wedding to his fiancee. Naturally, my ex and his fiancee declined on his offer, but it did bring to the forefront that I am indeed an ordained minister who can legally marry couples in NJ and  any state in the US. It's a little secret I've kept to myself since Aug. 3, 2001. I have never officiated anyone's marriage, but I like the idea that I can and I know that I would do a bangup job if given the opportunity.

Back in 2001, the year my own father died, I was struggling to understand my own spirituality. I was raised in a strict Roman Catholic upbringing. My husband wasn't Catholic and although we married in the Catholic Church, we ended up raising our children in a very non-denominational kind of way.

My husband would attend Christian services from time to time, but I generally drifted from the church and began to worship in what most people would describe in a pagan way. I still pray, and frankly, I aspire to be Christ-like. I mean, who could ever say that the teachings of Christ are anything other than inspired? But as far as the hypocrisy shoved down my throat as a kid, and the politics of organized religion, I found myself no longer identifying with the church and given the corruption of holy men, pretty much decided to worship the divine in my own way. And to me, nothing makes more sense than to see the divine in all aspects of nature and to aspire to live an honest life based on the enlightened lives of those who serve(d) as an example. 

It was at this time in 2001 that I stumbled upon the Universal Life Church, who for no fee at all, ordained me as a non-denominational minister allowing me to legally marry individuals who have their own way of thinking about God and the universe and want to celebrate and legalize their love for each other in a way true to themselves.

I kept it a secret, because I thought people would give me a hard time about it. But I take the role seriously, and would like nothing more than to marry couples who want their ceremony to resonate with their own spirituality.

My marriage broke up because we are flawed people and couldn't see our way to keeping our lives together. Should humans stay married until the end of their natural lives? I think it's something we should aspire to. But because we are human we are not ourselves divine and we make mistakes.

Having said that, should we be allowed to remarry after a failed marriage, without judgement and shame? Yes, I think so. Ending a marriage is no casual thing and we learn a great deal. If we are lucky enough to find love with another human being we need to forgive ourselves and our exes, and get on with the act of living and loving.

Good luck and many blessings to Stephen and his new wife Marnie.

And in 2011, one of my resolutions is that I aspire to marry at least one couple!

Happy New Year and New Life to One and All!